There's still a lot of things that I'm too scared to tell you… today I wish to pen down those things I always want to tell you.
I’m not perfect. You aren’t either and the two of us won’t ever be perfect. But if I can make you laugh at least once, because you to think twice and I admit to being human when I make a mistake, hold onto me and give me the most you have. I’m not going to quote poetry, I’m not thinking about you every minute of every day, but I will give you a part of me that I know you can break -my heart. Don’t hurt me, don’t change me, and don’t expect more of me than I can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when I make you happy, yell when I make you mad, and miss me when I’m not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Perfect people don’t exist, but there’s always one person who’s perfect for you. I’ve found my perfect person and I’m hoping I can be your perfect person.
On our first day, I gave you the key to my heart. Well little did you know that I planned all this out and that key also opens this box. This box holds a heart, a heart that promises my love, my life, my everything. I promise to be by your side through all the good or bad. Through all the tears and laughs. Through heaven or hell. I promise to show you how much I love you everyday. I won’t ever take you for granted because I know how easy it is for you to walk away. I promise not to cheat on you because I know in my heart that you’re the only one I want for the rest of my life. I promise to listen to every little thing you say because it matters. I promise not to give up on you or us no matter how hard it gets because nothing worth having comes easy. Whenever we fight, I promise to apologize when i’m wrong and forgive you when you’re wrong. I promise to always try to be there for you whenever you need me and even when you don’t. And whenever you push me away or you walk away, I promise to always walk after you because I know that you don’t want me to leave, you’re just afraid I won’t understand. There are times when things are going to be difficult, but I promise to give us my best shot. My love for you will always be unconditional. I promise that my love for you won’t ever change and that it will only get better from here. Last but not least, I promise to love you for the rest of my life.
I’ve been going through so much lately. I haven’t found a lot of reasons to smile, but I want to let you know that whenever I feel like crying and breaking down I think of you and I manage a smile. You make me happy and the thought of you reassures me that everything will be ok. You don’t know how many times I’ve held myself back from crying. As strong as I make myself look, I am weak inside. If there had to be anyone in this world that could always make me smile, it would be you. It would be you because of all the simple things you do in life that make me happy. It’s because your smile makes me smile and the thought of you makes me smile. I don’t know what my life would be life if I didn’t meet you. It would probably be plain and untouched by love. I’d probably end up liking some other person, who of course wouldn’t ever compare to what you mean to me. When I look into your eyes, I see love. I see everything, I see you. I can give you my heart and my love right now and forever. I hope nothing between us will ever change, but if anything had to change, it would be the love I have for you, because it would get stronger everyday.
You haven’t left my thoughts. Ever. Not even once. To put it quite simply, I miss you. I miss the way you would confide in me. I miss the stories you would unfold in my ears. I miss feeling your smile even if it was only on the phone. I miss every moment lived with you. I despise every moment without you. I miss the portrait I’ve painted of you with my mind. And I could spend hours trying to explain why it still hurts, but it’s quite complicated and all I know is that I miss you. And sometimes I’d rather not know that you miss me too.
I would love to know why the thought of you still keeps me restless at the oddest hours of the day, but what I would love even more is to know if I have the same effect on you. Your eyes are still my favorite place to get lost in. Your heart is still the only place I can call home. Your arms are the single greatest comfort I’ve think too. And call me crazy, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand the effect your smile has on me.
Sometimes when I look at you, I just want to kiss you. More than anything, I just want one kiss. A kiss to tell me that you trust your lips against mine. A kiss to prove to me that I can still see the world with my eyes closed. A kiss to remind me that actions do truly speak louder than words. I miss the paradoxical feeling of having my lungs filled with the sweetest air possible, yet still feel so breathless.
It terrified me that I had the responsibility of catching you when you said you were falling in love with me. Not because I wasn’t ready or that I wasn’t think about that, but because I’ve never been trusted with such fragile and genuine feelings before. I failed you. And now what terrifies me the most is that you request me not to be there to catch you.
But it already feels like an eternity ago when it was all so real. I traded away the happiness I found in your hands that fit so perfectly with mine. I traded away the peace I found when you rested your head to listen to me. I traded away the harmony I found in your voice when you talked me to sleep while I ran with my thoughts of you. I traded away the bliss I felt when you first called me “jaan” and made me realize that I would never be the same again. I traded away the way you made me feel that nothing else has compared or even come close to. And I’m afraid that nothing ever will.
May be you are not with me, and yet I still love you. A different definition this time around. A love that I’ve gradually learned from you. Unspoken. Unconditional. Resilient. You drive me crazy and keep me sane at the same time and I wouldn’t want it any other way. At times it hurts to love you, and it fills me with anger that I become ashamed to feel. Ashamed, not just for the wrong things that I have done, but also for the right things that I failed to do.
I forced myself out of a love that was given to me unconditionally. I forced myself into the dark, until I could no longer remember how to feel with my eyes. I forced my mind to believe that I loved you more than you ever loved me. But the worst part was selling my soul for a price I know I can never repay, and forcing myself into thinking that you never truly loved me because you never would’ve left. It brings a subtle devastation to my life knowing we could never be, because I was always willing to bet my life that you were meant for me.
You were the kind of secret I couldn’t keep to myself. And I didn’t really think about where it would end up because I was so enthralled in trying to recapture the best feeling that I’ve ever felt. No excuses. I turned my back on the one person that believed they could count on me. Never in a million years will I ever be able to forgive myself if I destroying the world which I considered my everything. Not being able to have the only thing you want out of life hurts a lot more than they say it would. And I deserve every morsel of pain and suffering. I just hope one day that I’ll fully comprehend how much you truly loved me.
I’m sorry for the fights that we’ll get into. I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry if I get jealous. I’m sorry if I act childish sometimes. I’m sorry if I’m a pain in the ass sometimes. And I’m sorry for everything that I’ll do to make you unhappy. I thank you for all the smiles that you’ll bring me, all the happiness you can give me. I thank you for being there for when I need you the most. Thank you for brightening up my day. If you make me cry, then that’s okay. Just don’t make that a habit. If you hold my hand, hold it tight so that you can make sure that I don’t slip away. If you hold me, just know that I won’t stop smiling. I want you to know that if I ever do slip away, I didn’t want to, but it was something that I couldn’t help. And when I realize how stupid I was, I hope that you still haven’t given up on me yet. And I hope that you’ll still be there to give me another chance because I would give you that second chance. If you make me cry, then that’s okay. They say that girls aren’t worth my tears, but I want you to be the girl that’s worth my tears. I know that there’ll be times where I can’t always make you happy. I know that there will be times where I won’t be able to see you because of your family, but know that I really just want to be with you right at that moment and know that I just want to be in your arms. I don’t need you to kiss me every minute like how some couples are because I’d rather you just surprise me. I’ll love it when you make me laugh, even if it’s something completely stupid, a cheesy joke, a silly face, anything, I’ll love it. Knowing you is good enough for me.
At last I want to say that, Love is a funny thing. I expect it to be easy. I expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. I expect you to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. I expect you to calm me down when i’m yelling or to chase me when I walk away. I expect so much that I feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all my plans. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around me can’t comprehend why I do the things I do, or why I fight so hard for something that seems to cause me so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds me when i’m in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t you calming me down when I yell. It’s you yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at me, right in my face to wake me up and to keep me grounded. It isn’t me bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make our relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of us both, and yet me showing up the next morning anyway. It’s not you saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle me. So no, it’s not me caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s me standing there, admitting i’m just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another person’s hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it’s a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.
Think of this as a simple love letter- full of emotions I cannot express, telling you everything you should hear with the words only my heart could comprehend. You are everything when I’m convinced that I should be nothing at all. Simply put, thank you. For every second of your time, every ounce of your patience, every bit of your effort, and every drop of your love.
                                                                                                            Subham