I sit down to write this letter and my pen trembles in my fingers as my entire body appears to shake. My heart and soul appear to realize that the minute the pen and paper get into contact, the start of the end will begin and I am not certain that I need to go down that way. I am not certain if I am ready to go separate ways from you. I always saw it coming but it always appeared so far; there seemed to be room for reconciliation and so hope upon hope I did. Despite the fact that every morning and every night the answer was the same, regardless I would not like to peruse the signs. Be that as it may, now, it's as clear as blue skies that the end is inescapable and she appears to have proceeded onward and it is the ideal opportunity for my absolute entirety to do likewise, however it alarms them so. Against all my will, I reach and we both shout as we realize that there is no turning back...
Dearest,
As
much as I hate to divulge this to myself, this is probably the last letter I am
writing to you. Alright, not probably but most definitely. It is the last time
I will consider you passionately and allude to you as my dearest. This will be
hard. I wish I could wish it all away and get amnesia at whatever point it
comes to you, but you know what, it is what it is and it is long overdue.
We
were introduced by facebook. I send a friend request, which may take a day or
two to be accepted and voila! A connection is somehow made and as they say, the
rest becomes history. I was not sure how you would react when you saw my friend
request but the next time I checked my facebook page, I saw, ‘friend request
accepted’. An instant smile appeared on my face. At the very first time I was
not sure about you. That is why I ignored to continue a chat, but, week later
when I got your massage that times an instant happiness blows in my heart. We met online and we chatted and I found
myself looking forward to facebook because somehow, I had proven you were an
addict. A deep friendship quickly grew and we arranged for our first date.
I
remember the first time we met. I was such a nervous wreck. It was not anything
fancy as I remember, with a smile. Having you infront of my eyes, the
butterflies in my stomach were having a field day! When you put your arm around
me and cried I was bet surprised and confused but somehow I manage to
understand the reason behind it. Electric waves went down my spine but after a
while, I felt comfortable and I relaxed. Rest you know, that night I felt the
heavens open and the angels sing. This was the beginning of a relationship that
was never made official.
No,
we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. At least you never referred commitments
to me as such but the bond was so strong between us and it was our little
secret. It felt like if you let anyone else know, it would spoil the somewhat
perfection we had found in each other. And so we kept off the titles.
I
recall with nostalgia, the long talks we would have every night before we
closed our eyes only to meet in dreamland and pick up where we left and your
wakeup calls in every morning, refreshed my mind with a thought that someone
somewhere thinking about me. But we always seemed to be entwined despite the
fact that we were not together; or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I was the person
who was absolutely stricken by you. Possibly I was in solitude in this pontoon,
with my creative impulses appearing to be alive to the point that I never saw
that in all actuality you weren't there. However, when I reached for you, I
would find you. I would touch you. I do not know where my reality stopped and
my fantasy began. They all seemed to be one and the same.
After
a while though, I noticed the calls reduced and the long time conversation also
were rare. You had become too busy and you rarely had time for me. I wondered
why it bothered me so much yet at first I was ok with talking whenever was
possible. Then one morning it dawned on me, day-by-day I fall in deep love with
you. I loving you was wrong, simply because you would never be mine. I loved
you, with everything that was in me and with every passing second, that love
seemed to grow stronger and stronger, yet you seemed to be slipping away
further and further.
You
became my addiction. I thought of you every waking moment and when I closed my
eyes, I dreamed about you. I try calling but you never behave like before you
did. I tried WhatsApp but somehow you were never on line and when you were, you
always were too busy to say anything more than ‘hello’. With every failed
attempt at communicate with you a piece of my heart broke and it hurt as bad as
I loved you so. Why did I not take caution? But how do you? How do you tell
your heart not to love? If you know how, please tell me the formula, for you
seemed to manage well.
You
became unfriendly and every second I felt you slipping away from me and I tried
holding on with all I could. I even became a stalker I think, with texts left. But
it’s like you had become defiant to me; it’s like you had become impervious to
me. Nothing I did or said moved you and when we meet for the last time, you
acted like everything was ok. I could not believe it. With all these, despite
everything I trusted that by one means or another you would wake up and
acknowledge how purge your life was without me and that you would run to my
arms but that was just a far-away dream. I turned into a bug to you I think and
it hurt me so as I remembered our first times together. I was holding on to
them like my very existence depended on them. I think for a while it did. My
love for you and your rejection of it had worn me out and I was weak….
I
was in a fantasy world for a while. Seeing you and I together, happy, before
the date arrived. After twenty days of illusions, somehow I manage
to continue a friendly conversation between us, and you behaved as usual normal
and I was so happy with that, because somehow I manage myself and requested you
to talk to me until your marriage and you agreed about it. But, that darkest
night takes way everything from me, you not just refused to talk
to me also did misbehave and insulted my love and feelings for you, I remember
how poor I was, how I beg infront of you but result is ended with a hard slap
across my face. At the end of that darkest night, I came to know about your reality,
the way you leave me, it broke me apart! I can be fine without your love but I
can’t able to manage with such a insult, for a while I just forget about love
and all these things and I just remembered that insult which snake me inside,
because you were the first and surely the last person who did such a rubbish
behave with me, and I can’t bear it. The reality sank in forcefully and it hurt
so much. I told myself I would not cry. Told myself I would not miss you. But I
did both. I wept! And I missed you terribly that I got love sick…How could life
be so cruel. For a while, I hated you or so I thought. But after a while, I
realized it was not hatred, it was just a wounded soul weeping and blaming you
for it.
You
never asked me to be honest with you, to fall in deep love with you, may be you
don’t deserved so, but, I just did. And, I don’t want to blame you anymore, let
it be in the hand of god. I accepted it as my fate and that’s just life. Well, I
hated you, I mourned you and finally, with one last look at that photo of you, I
let you go. With a smile and tear…I let you go. It has been a long journey and
I wish I hadn’t travelled it but you know what, I am the better for it. I have
learned a lot but my favorite mantra, I will not cry because it ended, I will
smile because it happened. I will hold on to the good and discard the bad
memories. I choose to remember you with the good memories. And, you know why
someone told me that, “Forgive her but never forget what she did
with you. And, as I know you since long therefore I had a request to you, after
all these painful memories, if you have a little place for me in your heart
then allow me to enter, I don’t promise that I will always make you happy but I
promise I won’t let you travel alone in the journey of life, whether it’s good
or bad I will be with you by your side”. After listening to her, I
decided to move on and we are going to be together forever as soon as possible.
So
to you that my spirit and heart adored and wanted to loved by love, good bye. I
wish all of you the happiness on the world since I became more acquainted with
that heart inside and it is delightful. I hope that he treats and cares you
well, because I am no more there to care for you. I will miss you but I know
one day I will wake up and a far-away beautiful memory you’ll be. I know it
will get easier with time and the next time I meet you ( hopefully not),I will
be able to look you in the eye, say hello, maybe even give you a hug, and smile
at you and not wish that I was the one in your arm. Until then, my affection,
may life treat you kindly and reasonably and may love never at any point escape
you. I wish all of you the happiness and that you will never cry, unless its
tears of happiness however not from a broken heart.
I
adored you genuinely. Part of me possibly always will but it’s time now. It's
the ideal time for me to say bid GOOD BYE and let you go. To set you free and
let you be. Also, as I put a full stop to this letter, then I put a full stop
to what you and I were. What exactly you and I have been through. It is the end.
Thank
you my last mistake..!
